Footnote

The suffocating mist was finally getting to me, but I had every reason to stay on, in this damp, dark corner. For once I thought I had found myself in the embrace of the little world that had accompanied me so many moments of my life, yet there were no roaming hands, no moaning sounds, and no stale smell of cum. But there was something else, there was him.

In one quick swipe, his lips were on mine and his hands, moving within the folds of my gym towel. I closed my eyes, already knowing that it was a bad idea, for the imageries flooded my mind, and then the quick and painful realization that you were taken, and so was I.

Oh Braving, are you back.

The Four Letter Word

Mr. A: Hi!

Braving: Harlow.

(Mr. A went all silent, as with all passive bottoms of the world, expecting you to pick up the conversation I suppose, which makes you wonder why they bother to say hi in the first place.)

Braving: OK, so how’s ur weekend?

Mr. A: Oh, I went to Sentul home.

Braving: Oh okies. Didn’t know you have a house in Sentul.

Mr. A: Oh no no, I went there with my friends for a show.

Braving: Hmm.. u meant to say you organized a show at your place?

Mr. A: No no no, I don’t stay there la. Haiye, this place in Sentul, just next to maper, how come you dunno one?

Braving: (Not wanting to pronounce an innocent soul guilty of misspelling a tree that he most probably has never seen in his life) Ah, you mean the Maple condo I believe. You watched a performance there? Where exactly is this place?

Mr. A: Haiyoh you really dunno hor. So big the signboard also you dunno? When you drive your car there, already at the entrance there got say ma so big the word – H O M E!

(A 30-sec silence ensued, as I struggled to catch my breath and recompose myself, from the stark realization of the place this guy was describing.)

Braving: Erm, darling, the name of the place is called KLPAC, not HOME. The four-letter word is YTL’s way of saying that they want you to call their properties in Sentul East/West just that when you’re here.


God have mercy on Malaysian gay men.

Have iPhone, Will Grind

Ok, so I have been summoned to put up this community service update for all the iPhone users out there.

Well if you’re gay and you have an iPhone, and you do not know this already, you will be delighted with this app. Grindr is basically a gay men dating app with a twist – it lists all fellow gay iPhone users around you, sorted by their relative distances from you, with the closest one appearing on the top of your list of course.

Throw in the ability to chat, exchange pictures, send maps of actual locations and the such, and you get an excellent social dating app, if nothing more than just a conversational piece over dinner.

BravingKL Short Story - The Shadows That Were (Epilogue)

Grace had always pride herself as being the most experienced, courteous, and attentive front-line staff of this chic restaurant. There was simply nothing that she had not seen or come across, or handled before. Yet tonight, the sight of a lone diner who opened the most expensive champagne stocked, only to down it all with two glasses and two sets of their most well-known steak was, admittedly, a sight uncustomary even to her.

The End

BravingKL Short Story - The Shadows That Were (Part Six)

Kevin suddenly gasped for air as he realised that he's forgotten to breath. This seemingly familiar space was eating into him, didn't matter that it's only his second visit. And its suffocating wetness, he didn't know if he'll ever get used to it. Against the breaking of the mist, Kevin found the tiled bench at the narrow turning again, as wet, and as empty as the first time. He gathered his towel and sat down slowly as the air twirled and danced its way around him.

There was a sickening recollection lingering in the air.

It was a hard few weeks for Kevin. His phone, as though having suffered an irreversible curse, would never be graced by the painfully-missed number again, no phonecalls, no messages. The pleasures that had momentarily blessed Kevin’s life, it was all but painfully too short-lived, and its departure too sudden.

Where did he go?

In a fit of frustration, Kevin yanked his towel away and let it dropped carelessly to the rough cement floor. He cupped his face with both hands, only to drag them downwards across his face and neck. There was a maddening void of pain as his nails ran deep into his skin.

And then Kevin was ready, he stood up now, and turn his naked body sideways to allow it to catch some of the muted sunlight filtering in from the windows near the entrance, and he started walking further into where the bench led him, into where the mist had held their secrets before this, into where the first encounter happened.

Kevin thought he heard a moan, and raised his hands to let his fingers lead the way. This evening, right here, right now, Kevin’s desperate fingers will taste the reassuring male form again.

Yet as the longing fingers’ journey fell short of their grand voyage, the only thing that welcomed them was not the familiar ripples of a well-built chest, or the rough stubbles of a carelessly shaved chin, but that of the misty, wet surface of a cold, hard mirror.

To be continued

BravingKL Short Story - The Shadows That Were (Part Five)

Within the comfort of his own bedroom, punctuated by the peaceful snoring of his wife, the world of Kevin Tan came crashing down. He stared at his phone, long and hard, pressed the keypad repeatedly, and triggered the power on and off countless times, yet all that came staring back at him was an horrorfully empty message inbox, an inbox that was just earlier this evening graced with an extended list of sms, those discrete exchanges of arrangements for secret meet-ups, of mushy heartfelt expressions, of painful longings and of mundane daily updates, there were screens after screens of those, yet not a single one of them remained now.

Kevin felt numb from the torrent of disbelief as he took on the final blow of tonight's discovery - the golden set of numbers, the one obtained from his sauna visit, his only access to the one who owned his heart now, was wiped out together with the message.

His mind churned and churned now for answers, this targetted attack could only have one objective in mind, and with one irrefutable suspect. But his wife had been so unsuspecting all these while, so much so that it was making Kevin very guilty. Yet guilt was Kevin's last concern at the moment, the growing void in his phone, his heart, was aching like a million needles, as fitting as it may be, one surge of piercing turmoil for every wave of blissful yearning.

However there was no room for confrontation tonight, Kevin was not emotionally equipped to face the exchanges that may ensue. The revolving ceiling fan somehow caught his eyes, and he stared at it for a good half an hour, before his trembling fingers finally surrendered and dropped the phone, overcome now with a sudden surge of helplessness and defeat. And then Kevin slumped into bed, heaved his final sigh for today, and slipped into the comforter and joined his wife.

To be continued

BravingKL Short Story - The Shadows That Were (Part Four)

Kevin was blushing still. He wound down the car window and let the torrent of fresh air this lovely Friday midnight hit his face. Streetlights fleeted past him, one by one at first, and then quickly blurred into a stream of dancing lines, of which radiance paled in comparison to the ecstasy written all over his reddened face. He stepped harder on the accelerator.

There wasn’t a single occasion in all his thirty-three years of life where he has blushed as hard, Kevin thought. He blamed the wine they had, not just any wine he proudly declared, but a 1978 Chateau Lafite Rothschild that he had kept for the most precious occasion. For a brief moment, he made the effort to check on the gaze of admiration as the bottle was popped open (there was a list of expressions to choose from) but Kevin's attention was quickly summoned back to the star of the night. This first meet up was as perfect as he had wanted it to be, the ambience, the conversations, the food, the surreal qualities of them all, Kevin almost convinced himself that he had dreamt all these up.

But his eager heart could not lie, and the bliss inconcealable; Kevin didn't make the effort to hide them at all, not to the waiters serving him, and certainly not to the other patrons that night. Everyone was undeserving of his attention tonight, everyone except one. His focus was unmistakably singular.

To be continued

BravingKL Short Story - The Shadows That Were (Part Three)

For the longest of time, Kevin stood in front of the row of vanity counters at the locker area, oblivious to the buzz of the crowd that was beginning to build up this Saturday evening. In his hand was a strip of glossy magazine paper, hurriedly torn from the corner of an aging library from the lounge area, slightly crumpled, yet on it a series of numbers were scribbled. Kevin tried but could not take the sight off them, nor could he his fingers. This unassuming piece of paper, it smelled of the prized reward of countless late nights of research, of the well-rehearsed reasoning to his wife and children, of deception, yet sweetened liberation.

He tightened his grasp on the paper and slowly tasted its significance.

Kevin thought, there was a blur on the event leading to this, he tried to recall as he watched his own reflections in the large mirror in front of him, but he realised it didn't really matter perhaps, as all he knew at that moment was he had liked what he saw, this encounter of his in the steam room, and he now had a mean of staying in touch with him. In his head, Kevin was churning with an unfamiliar wave of excitement and the possible thrills this may bring. As the heart raced faster and faster, Kevin knew all too well that his earlier plans of this being a one-off, fuss-free exploration of nursing his curiosity was now being spitted into the sink like a pitiable lump of puss and hastily rushed down the sinkhole.

To be continued

BravingKL Short Story - The Shadows That Were (Part Two)

From a temporary clearing of the steam, Kevin squinted and saw the first sign of life in this lost, muted world. A mild, involuntary shiver travelled his body as he shifted his sitting position on the wet tiled bench and adjusted and readjusted his views to piece together the physical being that was starting to form at the other end. First came the lightly tanned arms, perched against the edges of the bench, droplets of water flowing downwards and disappearing between the fingers. And then the sharp jaw lines, the lightly parting lips, and the prominent sideburn, as painstakingly trimmed as his own, Kevin thought.

He welcomed a sense of familiarity to this sight.

For the longest time nothing moved, this desolate quiet world stripped of all sounds, except for the travelling gust of steam, ever hissing and expanding and filling every cracks on the rough cement floor and walls. Kevin let out a breathless sigh, and watched as the steam in front of him parted and twirled away. His way of saying hi perhaps.

And then there was the hurried decision, Kevin knew he could not entertain the risk of having second thoughts, he was already too far away from the grasp of his mundane life, this was his moment. But he couldn't bear too the fact that he had dug so low, lower than the begging gaze of the ill-performing secretary that he had told off earlier this morning. There was a disconnect now between him and the trembling hand that was slowly stretching forward, sideways, towards the figure. From the corner of his eyes, Kevin watched as his fingers poked into the steam, and faded into a blur of shadows.

He closed his eyes now, imagining what the sight would be if he were to grow eyes on the tip of his index fingers. There was no plan on where exactly to plant them anyway. This, strange, peculiar act of saying hi, this singular moment of eager anticipation of landfall, with all its unspeakable undercurrent of guilt and fun, indeed was as far as Kevin as gone before.

To be continued

BravingKL Short Story - The Shadows That Were (Part One)

The air was a sickening mix of lukewarm mist and a strange stench of stale sweat, yet Kevin was grateful for this half-baked setup, he wouldn't survive for more than three minutes if the steam were to be a tad more enthusiastic. At the very spot after the glass-door entrance, he stood there for a good while, blinking and breathing calmly, getting used to the limited visibility. And then slowly, he stumbled forward along the narrow path in front of him, thanking the stray evening sunlight filtering in from the dusty windows for showing the way.

It's all very quiet in here. Kevin swore that he had counted not less than 15 people entering this maze while he was deliberating his next moves outside the corridor, yet apart from the occasional hissing of steam and a distance dripping of perhaps a leaky pipe, Kevin strained his ears but heard only his own heartbeat as he landed on a bench at the end of the path.

Beyond this, a darkened turn bathed in mystery, and unspeakable, unimaginable fun. Fun, that Kevin could have only read online and fantasize about as he led a life that had been laid out dutifully before him. But now, this strange, new world before his eyes was finally materialising. Nights of fighting the urge to stray from the rightful path finally saw defeat, utter defeat, as he now inched forward into the embrace of the darkened corner of a gay sauna, clad only in a thin towel, vulnerable, confused.

Yet eager to explore.

BravingKL Short Story - The Shadows That Were (Prologue)

At the very end of the darkened corridor, a solitary hand emerged, did an unintelligible gesture, and was never seen again. Was the pain from trying to figure out what its gesture meant, or in waiting for its return?

The Fan

I can't remember what triggered it to be exact, but Kel slapped the table in an act of animated glee and started giggling like the happiest kid in the world, all for the patrons on a busy Saturday night in Dome KLCC to see.

I have to say that the contorted expressions didn't quite go well with his generous coat of facial hair and the dark-frame specs, but still, it made my day.

"So what do you remember most about this gay blog that you used to read?" I asked.

"Oh, I normally would just quickly glance through, but the pic taken of two guys holding hands is still fresh in mind."

I looked away, towards the park entrance glass doors just meters away, and reminised the scene about a year back, I think, that singular minute of frantic digging for my digital camera in the gym bag, followed by an unabashed attempt at inching closer to the unsuspecting couple to snap the scandalous body language in action.

"And oh, those before-and-after pics showing the wonders of photoshop is fun too!" Kelvin's facial parts had snapped back into place, but he's still in high spirits.

"Haha, must be something to behold." At this point, I was beginning to wonder if he'll ever touch on the more scandalous stuff like sauna floor plans, but to my pleasant surprise, he never did. Must be a recent follower.

"I wonder why he never write anymore." Kel looked my way and said. And then I put down the set of fork and spoon, and reached for my glass of warm water.

Fragments

one of three
3am was not ungodly an hour for Newo to call. In between his quick-paced chatter, I could hear his labored pants. The little ascent along the slopes to Frangi couldn’t be that tough, he admitted that he was indeed rather drunk. From his incessant mumble, I concluded that he called to lecture me about something I did of which details I could no longer recall. Still, his undeniably charming, intoxicated voice stuck like a magnet. Damn, he kept me awake the whole night.

two of three
Avidog promised to cook me pasta for the rest of my life. Not just any pasta, I told him. It’s got to be spicy olio spaghetti. He wouldn’t be of much use anymore if I could just kidnap the chef working in Dome, but then he goes “all the chef in Dome are basically Bangladeshi and your favourite pasta is pre-prepared in the central kitchen and sent to each outlet”. Hmm I can’t live with a Bangladeshi my whole life, can I?

three of three
Braving: you left your toothbrush here last night.
Misu: yes, I did.
Braving: you know the other day I just threw away five.
Misu: I’ll just use yours.

Wake Me Up

Wake me up when December is over
Turn the rainbow wheel and hit a colour
Dragging sofa over timber flooring
Withered flowers grouped in mourning

Wake me up when December is over
Spilt rosemary oil over clay diffuser
Gentle wind through cold gray shades
Mindlessly sweet words that we love to hate

Wake me up when December is over
Balinese massaging clay and fuckingly hot shower
Countless courting that leads to nothing
Soap operas with no ending

Wake me up when December is over
Search the fields for a four-leaf clover
Jazz music on crumbled sheets
Chilly Pudong out of reach

Wake me up when December is over
When the sighs are gone, and days less tougher
Tealight candles and green tea latte
A morning of hopefuls, a brand new day

Christmas

A little Christmassy cheer, I couldn’t help gasped at the sight of the dreamy Christmas tree, its welcoming warmth, like a beacon of love, broke through the dusty night air, and pulled me towards it with every step. I just had to surrender myself.

Café Café was just as I had left it. About a year back I think? The silent face from across the other table, he’s still there. That was the philosophical day that never quite happened, never meant to happen. We exchanged smiles.

A little candle holder I soon found nearer to my face, and so had dancing shadows graced my every laughter and delight as seafood and sun-dried tomatoes tickled my tongue. Do I look tensed? I swear the sultry tunes of Édith Piaf wasn’t helping at all.

The iPhone really shouldn’t be on the table. Its very presence is a vivid contrast to the darkened nostalgia gracing every single piece of ornament in this quiet space. And too, the distraction posed a challenge too great for me not to submit to. I pinched the screen and resized photos, as though I have not resized a photo in my life before.

And a proposal. To Penang I hear? Couldn’t give no for an answer, could I. But I could count with both hands the days of which this new turn has unfolded. But really let’s just pinch my nose and jump right in, splash myself a torrent of emotions again. The silly games people play, and the silly people games play.

Whatever happens next, I still have the Christmas tree to dream about, at least.

A Silent Shade Of Gray

A silent shade of gray, it comes like a dream gone bad. I wish I had not messaged you in MSN that Monday afternoon, then you would not have had the opportunity to say goodbye. And then perhaps we could have dragged this impossible fairy tale on a little longer, doesn’t matter if you had wanted to tell me this since two weeks ago, I think I can wait another two years.

A silent shade of gray, resonates with the gentle murmur of Nicole’s car engine as the gang did a cross-country to Klang for seafood. I wish I had not laid on your lap throughout the journey, thinking to myself that I had not felt so contended with life for a very long time. Then perhaps I would not have sunk so deep into your insecurities and your lies, and found myself with a broken sense of reasoning, broken beyond repair.

A silent shade of gray, lost in the hectic bustle of a busy wet market. I wish you had not come along with me and Mum for our weekly marketing, and sat with us for breakfast at our favourite eatery. How am I suppose to now return there, week after week, buying the same fruits, the same vegetables, drinking the same iced tea, and not see you with every churning of my thoughts.

A silent shade of gray, caressing the dreamy KL skyline on a rainy Saturday afternoon. I wish I have refused your feeding me with soya bean milk with your mouth. It’s absurdly sweet, your lips. Then perhaps I would not be so hopelessly drunk from consuming your infectious affection and attention, and got myself emotionally incapable of loving myself again.

A silent shade of gray, a persistent numb that leaves me breathless with every recollection. I wish I have fought your initial enthusiasm, your shameless need to pursue me, your undying urge to see me every minute of the day, and your endless pursuit to be a part of my life. Fought you hard to kill the root of all evil. But I let you in, further than I should have, let you sink your footing into everything that matters to me so that I would then see your wicked prints on every page of my life.

A silent shade of gray, a gentle shroud of painful memories, a sickening throbbing of piercing sting, a miserable collection of expired passion, on the bed, on the pillows, on the toothbrush that you left behind, on your water flask that Mum would fill for you when you stay the night, on the dining table where you fed me my cough syrup, on the patio where you kissed me goodbye, on every square inch of the apartment that your have graced with your presence.

On me.

A silent shade of gray, I wish I had not known you.

BRAVEHEART ^[109]

The Reason Why I Think Mum Has Given Me Her Blessings

Well that's how she had placed our toothbrushes on the bathroom countertop last week.

A Fuzzy Beginning

Love comes when you least expect it to. In the case of Aikidosan who had just turned and looked at me in the darkness of the cinema hall, I just could not recall anymore the string of events that brought us here. We caught each other’s glances and hung on for a few seconds, and then he gave me a silly pinch on my right ear, and we shifted our attention back to the movie.

Was it from gay.com? I would go there on those occasional evenings when I am really bored, and end up with far too many chat windows that I could possibly handle, and then a bunch of msn contacts that would remain dormant and ultimately turn stale and get deleted in a few weeks’ time.

Or perhaps you belong to one of those Fridae folks that I’ve been mindlessly exchanging hearts with? Those folks who, besides hearts, I have not exchanged much of anything else with.

But it doesn’t matter anymore, Aikidosan ultimately broke away from the fuzzy clutter and held up his resume right at my face. He made his intentions known despite the distance, and he persevered despite my self-protective arrogance - any sane man would stop sms’ing after the 4th unreplied message.

And so we would end up where we are today, at the start of a journey, doesn’t matter how long or short it would travel, and where it actually began, I really have no idea.

You just never know what you’ll get, this internet thing.

Braving: “So tell me how we met again?”
Aikidosan: “Erm, can I see you again tomorrow?”

Kakiku: A Map of Indulgence (Updated)

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Be The Man

If you're a man, and you're gay, and you've never felt like you belong anywhere in this world, Mangay's collection of ladies accessories will make you feel right at home.