Thursday, April 27, 2006

The BravingKL Relationship Grid

Confused by the mixed signals? Frusfrated with broken promises? Retreating from hot pursuits? Bogged down by unwelcomed commitments? Try out the BravingKL Relationship Grid to sort out your feelings and find your bearings.

First, go through the following four sets of statement. For each set, select the appropriate letter to describe your relationship.

SET 1: Physical Attraction
* Select H for High physical attraction
* Select L for Low physical attraction

SET 2: Emotional Attraction
* Select H for High emotional attraction
* Select L for Low emotional attraction

SET 3: Commitment
* Select C for Committing
* Select N for Non-commiting

SET 4: Arrangement
* Select M for Monogamous

* Select P for Polygamous

Now, fill in the boxes below with the letters that you have selected above. The four letters will now combine to form your Relationship Type.

Next, locate your Relationship Type from the BravingKL Relationship Grid below:

Couldn't make sense of it still? Well, apparently I'm struggling with a few of them as well. Suggestions will be warmly welcomed, otherwise try the analysis below, and let me know what you think:

Type HHCM: The Newly Weds
A physically and emotionally charged couple tied in a highly committing, monogamous relationship for what seemed like eternal bliss. This is the perfect arrangement made in heaven, the epitome of human dynamics fit for romance novels and childhood fantasies, which unfortunately is out of reach for most mortals. Cherish every passing moment but do accept the eventual shift to a more stable type LHCM.

Type HHCP: The Occasional Wanderer
A variation of type HHCM, except that it is not as strictly monogamous as one would idealizes. Embrace the virtues of occasional ignorance of the mostly secretive wandering of the heart and imagine you did not notice the strand of foreign hair, or the unfamiliar perfume scent on his undies, for you can rest assure that you still occupy a large chunk of the real estate in his heart, and claim the most airtime for his attention and love.

Type HHNM: The Insecure Prince
In a highly physical and emotional relationship, the combination of low commitment and monogamy makes as much sense as guys who visit gay saunas just to surf the web (unless they are undercover Utusan reporters, of course). Perhaps the only thing stopping you from upgrading this relationship to a type HHCM is a burning worry of an overly insecure heart bearing wounds still fresh from a recent failed episode, or the struggle to deny your emotions in the interest of various family obligations. You have clearly found your prince, yet giving your commitment is an ocean apart to happiness. Are you willing to part the Red Sea?

Type HHNP: The Fleeting Butterfly
The world is a sea of sweet-scented flowers in full bloom for the fleeting butterfly. You easily engaged in both physically and emotionally empowering relationships, yet your commitment and loyalty is a mountain of unattainable and frustrating feats no human soul will claim success to. You, the heart-breaker, the tear-jerker, the soul-destroyer, enjoy your moments while your skin still spell youthfulness and your cock still smell fresh, for it may soon be time when you wither as all the flowers that you have fed on will wither the same.

Type HLCM: The Short-Term Couple
Commitment and monogamy is perfect, but they do not hold well under the thin string of a purely physical-attraction centric relationship. The unbelievably perfect proportions of his chest, waist and cock conjure an empowering, yet often short-lived sensation of love, but no true love is achieved without a courageous venture into the unfamiliar grounds of his heart. Face it, Sister, you adore his body, but cringe to touch his heart. But it’s good as long as it lasts, so enjoy the trip.

Type HLNP: The Perfect Sex Buddy
Give yourself a pat on the back, for you have succeeded in locating the perfect buddy for a purely sexual, hassle-free, no strings attached relationship. A highly physical yet low emotional and non-committing arrangement forbids the development of complications like jealousy, hatred and revenge. Just remember to vary your sleeping partner often enough so you won’t end up just sticking to one, in case you start to develop the dreaded emotions for him.

Type LHCM: The Long-Term Partners
These are the record-breakers of the gay world, the fit-for-exhibit rare gems that have emerged stronger and more dignified from years of painstaking endurance and stubborn fortitude. While many would trace back their roots to the explosive HHCM, the physical chemistry is now mostly exhausted, and in turn replaced with deep emotional bonds from years of trials and tribulations that have seen the licks of seduction, fire of lies, and onslaught of betrayals. So now as you tug away your hormone pills, walking sticks and account books for the night, give each other the tightest hugs your body would allow, and say “Happy Anniversary dearie, I just know that the hunky Latino will not last as long.”

Type LHCP: The Open Relationship Model
While their more conservative LHCM counterparts enjoy private moments of evening walks, furniture browsing and groceries shopping together, the ever-playful LHCP couples are storming the gay scene holding signs that flaunt ‘Attached but Available’ to anyone and everyone that catches their fancy. Brushing aside apparent risks of having their relationship destroyed, LHCP couples are quick to point out the strong emotional bonds and commitments between them. But do beware of the more sinister variation – the self-denying, self-justifying, compulsively-lying pseudo-LHCPs who hide under the cloak of type LHCM and are either too afraid to face their emotions or the spanking of their ignorant partners.

Type LLCM: The Odd Couple
The LLCM couples completely baffle us. While this odd arrangement bears no semblance of physical or emotional bonds, the evident commitment and monogamy is simply out of place. Many reasons could be theorized, be it financial, the lack of options or the lack of confidence and exposure to the gay world, but if this is all but a legacy of an ancient relationship turned stale, perhaps it is really time to let go now.

Type LLCP: The Expired Couple
Held on merely by a thin string of commitment between them, the LLCP couple has long past their expiry date. Self-denial will only serve to extend the pain and frustration plus intensify the inconvenience and hatred when both the physical and emotional chemistry have fizzled away. From among your other more worthy cock/hole worshippers, just pick one to announce your vow of commitments to if you so have to, and may you kiss saunas and chatrooms goodbye.

Type LLNM: The Sisters
In the eccentric, ever-exciting relationship-scape of the gay world, the LLNM couple certainly does not fail in dropping jaws as well as other foreign attached objects like dildos and butt plugs when the unbelievably true news of their relationship was made known. As far as the dynamics of physical and emotional chemistry is concerned, this couple’s experience is no different from the heart-warming tale of giggly, hands-holding gay sisters in action. Monogamy, in this case, most probably refers to the intense obsession of mutually shared properties like skincare secrets, fashion insights and hypermarket discount coupons. Lesbians, you are not! Go find a real man.

Type LLNP: The Pretenders

No emotions, no sex, no commitment, no class! This pseudo relationship should only exist in theory and is only included here for the sake of completeness. However, during occasions of Grammy-deserving drama queen in major action, they may still fool a few uninitiated newbies.

OK, you guys are just WEIRD.

So what BravingKL Relationship Type are you?

Sunday, April 23, 2006

15 Short Stories From Houston

1. My colleagues and I were confused tricked into going to Houston Downtown on a Sunday morning to discover the wonders of witnessing businesses in a period of synchronized inactivity (except for a pathetic little doughnut shop that closes at 12noon) AND the joys of establishing suicidal acquaintances with homeless beings bearing various unidentifiable bags of belongings in frantic search of loose change and the last few sips of alcoholic beverages from disposed cans in rubbish bins AND the pleasures of sharing stories of life-changing moments while seated in a circle in the middle of the road and marveling at street scenes that are COMPLETELY devoid of any sort of touristy events.

2. I bought an egg from the Contemporary Arts Museum that, when partially cracked on its top and watered, will grow from within its content, a selection of plants that could survive up to a period of five months.

3. I was booted from a cab once as a result of an extensive yet futile search for the Natural Science Museum, which is supposed to be one of the eight tourist attractions in Houston. Once again, the 30922 restaurants and their accompanying free car parks in town are NOT to be mistakenly regarded as tourist attractions.

4. My teammate and I, on numerous occasions soon after we arrived, exchanged a few rounds of contentious speech acts (aka Arguments), leading to a temporary working relationship and communication meltdown that lasted for 2 weeks (aka Except for some unintelligible grunts and sighs, there were absolutely NO verbal exchanges despite us sharing cubicles, meetings, meals, walking tours and the occasional cab rides together).

5. One evening, I embarked on a frenzied Instant Noodle cooking marathon in my room as a result of inconsistent value propositions on food packaging versus customer’s experience and failed microwave-related experiments. Casualties, which were reported within ten minutes of each other, involved five packs of instant noodles from assorted regions and flavours, seven teriyaki meatballs and two spicy chicken wings. Post-traumatic symptoms included an extensive period of appetite loss and MSG-packed breath that lasted for three days.

6. That trusty microwave, in yet another faithful evening, bore witness to one more experiment, this time due to a sudden crave for chocolate-dipped strawberries. Casualties this round involved one bottle of Hershey’s syrup (promptly discarded after the discovery of better alternatives), one bar of Hershey’s chocolate (burnt and discarded due to a mixture of inexperience in handling microwave settings and over enthusiasm) and finally one full pack of Hershey’s kisses (melted progressively on intervals of 10 seconds in the microwave and finally SUCCESS!).

7. While wandering around Hermann Park during Japan Fest, I discovered that gastronomically gifted Western girls dressed in tight black spandex wear sweating it out on taiko (Japanese traditional drum) are supposedly the IN thing now in Houston, and so are lesbian couples in Japanese tea ceremony, saggy breasts or otherwise.

8. I had dinner one evening with a friendly gay manager from my company, who, through some twisted coincidental chains of events (otherwise known as fate) fished out this blog from among the 17,980 (and growing) gay KL blogs out there, then somehow theorized that the blogger works in the same company as him, and then concluded, with ample divine intervention, that I am the blogger AND THEN, with full confidence and utmost courage, confronted the author himself, via the company mail system, into the inevitable confession. I soon found myself in the company of three more queer colleagues and their partners whose company I absolutely enjoyed. Thanks for the warm err.. exposure, Eric!

9. Four weeks after my arrival, I have managed to collect an assortment of photos of cute Asian men (in a surprisingly high frequency of occurrences all over town) in my camera thanks to self-taught yet nevertheless professional skills in spy photography, but I had to DELETE THEM ALL when a wicked colleague decided that he absolutely have to see all the wonderful photos that I have captured on my camera without any delay. I hate straight people.

10. My bed buddies have been as diverse, if not more, as the err.. meals that I’ve had. Though I’d love to believe that this was brought about by the overzealous attempts to flee from my boredom, and that deep down I could only be totally fulfilled by an Asian guy.

11. I waited a full month and a half before visiting Midtowne Spa again, that dreadful bathhouse where guys with semi-erect cocks walk around naked, or lie wanking on the bed in their private cubicles with the door ajar, or pose invitingly with their legs open ‘kangkang’ waiting for eager suitors to dominate them. I find that rather crude. It’s really no fun minus all the playful eyeing, hunting, and escaping, which even though frusfrating at times, are totally necessary for the ultimate climax.

12. I spent two hours chatting online with a guy who confessed at the end that he absolutely enjoys fucking watermelon. I’m not sure why he’s telling me this, but the last time I checked myself in the mirror, I don’t look like a rounded cockmouth-watering juicy fruit.

13. Due to a strange but perfectly natural intolerance of my throat to plain water, I resorted to drinking flavoured green tea as the most preferred alternative after my arrival, and have since shockingly concluded that a steady diet of this beverage will cause your faeces to turn green (rather coated in a layer of green stuff) after the fourth week.

14. Just last week, in a faithful realization of Jay’s observation, a 73yo grandmother became the proud winner of a USD23mil casino jackpot and during an interview with a CNN reporter, announced that she had received two marriage proposals since the news broke. What has this got to do with me, you asked? Well nothing, except that I did spend a couple of minutes pondering the most enlightening contrast of gleaming new cash notes on weak, shriveled fingers.

15. I met a Thai guy one night (yeah, one of those rare ones here) who got so freaked out by how well I speak Thai that no explanations would settle his suspicion that I’m really one of his kind and just not admitting it. I had to show my identity card at the end before he would even touch me, that was after he did a quick check around the room for hidden cameras and potentially murderous objects like typewriters, high heel shoes and stunt guns.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Of Cobwebs And Hotel Rooms

Sitting in front of my laptop in the hotel room, frantically switching windows between chatroom sessions, yahoo messenger and blog sites, my life here in Houston seems to have shrunk to such a dreary existence that I sometimes feel utterly unmotivated to even breath. In a city where you could virtually hold a chinese 9-course dinner right in the middle of the road in downtown after office hours, and where folks whose sole idea of entertainment is eating out and growing fat, suddenly the whole notion of walking down Bukit Bintang, never mind its limited charms, becomes wildly exhilarating. Sure, you may have an entire gay neighborhood to yourself, but that also mean that hooking up is never more than a few doors away, leaving saunas pathetically deserted and discos few and far between. The good men are long gone I believe, grabbed by possessive, marriage-minded partners who sole purpose in life is to produce home-cooked meals to feed their husbands, while the weird and dysfunctional ones remain available to haunt whichever poor souls unlucky enough to cross their paths.

Now do allow me the luxury of busying myself with brushing off cobwebs that are starting to collect around my feet. And you’ll hear more about the weird men soon.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Ramblings No. 98

I felt my body being tossed over. Took me a while to register where I was as I struggled to open my eyes and make sense of the dead quiet of the night. The unfamiliar setting, strangely more comfortable than the bed in my hotel room, had the presence of another company, who was just now positioned under the blanket below me, and busy savoring his find there. I could never have had the physical capacity to fight his enthusiasm, regardless of whether or not it was what seemed like four in the morning, not at that time, and again, not in the next morning, where at the same time, I had turned to the windows and caught sight, beyond the Venetian blinds, of pine trees swaying carelessly in the wind. I was then fixed a very relaxing Jacuzzi bubble bath to tickle my numb senses, looked on by two very eager Giant Schnauzers who hungrily licked up all the foam that I would carelessly flicked in their direction, and soon afterwards, came to me when I was at the pool with tattered tennis balls in the mouth begging to play fetch.

Three loads over the span of thirteen hours, I turned to look at him as he took the junction out from his sub-division, and wondered if it was just yesterday that we had said hi to each other in the chatroom.

I don’t know about you, but at times like this, I’m so fucking glad I’m gay.

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Stop Sign

“Stop sulking!” Glass Door rolled her eyes and snapped at Stop Sign. “Your emotions, seething red, or otherwise, mean nothing to no one besides yourself. You could lie there till your colours fade and your metal corrodes away, and all that’s left is a pile of metal dust that eventually disperses off into the wind, or you could just quit it and get back to work!”

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Good Evening Houston

Signed off at 6:30pm from a deserted office on a Friday evening when even the cleaning lady was already done with her chores. Thought of my weekend plans as I took the 5-min walk back to the hotel but got too absorbed by the sight of lusty patches of greens on trees that I swore were perfectly bald just last week, and the random patterns of flowers dotting a perfectly manicured patch of lawn on both sides of the pavement, and how the setting sun seemed to have positioned itself to appear like a blinding lightbulb on the rooftop of a gated apartment.

Ok, I'm going to the chatroom for some inspirations.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The BravingKL Priceless List

Priceless are things drown in everyday commotions,
Resurrected in occasional reminiscence,
Yearned for in painful realisations,
And cried for in joyful reunions.
(unfortunately I'm still on the third line)

Magee Goreng Ayam: RM5:50
Milo Ais Kosong: RM1.50
Consuming the above combination at 3am in the company of 500 other patrons on dirt-and-leftovers-stained plastic tables and chairs spread out in a giant outdoor area used as a carpark during the day, complimented by Sungei-Wang-boutiques-wares-adorning Ah Bengs & Ah Lians fresh from pubbing, weekly sisters gatherings & night bird watching, insurance & direct sales mini seminar, limitless replays of chinese comedies from the 90s and live EPL matches: Priceless

Entrance to Mandi Manda: RM30
Exploring the darkened corridors dotted with creatures in various stages of evolution, DNA mutations and the aging process, and in a variety of copulation combinations and style improvisations, complimented by free on-floor and on-wall cum deposits, and on-air sound effects: Priceless

Parking at Low Yatt: RM3 for the first hour and RM1.50 for each subsequent hour
Brokeback Mountain DVD9, complete with special features: RM8
Golden Fried Rice from Causeway Bay: RM16.90
Being a part of the mass congregation of testosterone-charged college students and cash-packed fellow IT enthusiasts on a Saturday afternoon, amidst a staggering array of wares at cost-price grazing and breakneck competition, complimented by a healthy dose of gaydar triggers and startlingly ‘pecah’ cruising activities in the washrooms: Priceless

Petrol: RM1.92/litre
Toll charges: RM0.50 onwards
Being able to jump into my car and go wherever my heart desires at any time, never mind illusive potholes, hammer and chainsaw bearing road bullies, daredevil motorcyclists on suicide mode, queue-jumping drivers with imaginary wives in labour pain and creatively fashioned and administered fuck-you gestures: Priceless

Hotel Transfer to Bush International: USD70
Neck pillow to brave the 27-hour journey home: Complimentary
Gifts for family and friends: Undisclosed
To be back once again to experience all the above: Simply Priceless!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Off Season For Love

During times when I felt I was absolutely choking from the still cold air of my hotel room and from the tired smell of instant noodle cooking in the microwave, he seemed to have come to my rescue. Fluffy may be too busy doing rounds with his buddies to give much priority to a pathetic visitor from halfway around the globe, but he, this different bundle of kindness and joy, couldn’t seem to get enough.

“Thank you for liking me.”

I stayed very still in his arms on the heated air bed of his room, stark naked except for a warm towel carelessly thrown across my stomach. If anything, those five words only made me cringe in an overpowering pang of tortuous emotion as soon as it hit my ears. I felt betrayed, for letting myself trade my body in exchange of some random caring and attention that were sadly just within convenient reach and nothing more. I felt pity, for I saw in his eyes endless nights of yearning for someone who would finally make his emotional investments worth while, of which I could, on many occasions, relate painfully to as well.

And then I felt a sense of panic, for the slightest hint of ill-anticipated affection would now launch within me an irreversible reaction to wildly reject any further act of love with cruel weapons of confusion, pain, agony and finally disappointment and defeat, to rid memories of any remnants of joy and to deny anticipation of any remains of hope. This is the perfect solution to a complication-free ending, my heart is never wired to handle and accept this concoction of goodness anyway, just like how I would pinch myself or blink helplessly in doubt when hearing an unbelievably good piece of news. My childhood curse in full bloom, nurtured to perfection with years of practice. I wish I had the strength to face it.

The bag of clothes he got for me is still lying at one corner of my hotel room, and has remained untouched since it arrived. I lied that they all fitted me beautifully.

I'm happy. I was.