Monday, December 10, 2007

A Silent Shade of Gray

Three years worth of emotions and memories, come walk down this path with me again.

Download the ebook in pdf format here.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Cameronian Craze

The sisterhood braved the school holiday year-end fenzy and made a short trip to Ipoh and Cameron Highlands over the weekend. With the tap on juicy sauna encounters now dried up, I have to make do instead with silly accounts of the ridiculous things we did throughout the trip:

Danielle making love to the wall while descending one of Kelly's castle's stairway:

Succumbing to the hunger of a week-long absence from Bodyjam, Nicole started doing the "Look At Me" track in the imaginary dance studio on the upper levels of Kelly's castle:

The making of promotional materials for the upcoming release of Bodybalance, right on the helipad:

In between exploring the various dark corners of the castle, the sisterhood find time for some physical attributes comparison exercise:

With their respective lovers hundreds of miles away, the dreamy setting of the rolling tea plantations become the perfect opportunity for new sparks to fly within the sisterhood:

Sister Nicole drown in a deep imagination of a hunky policeman out to pin her down in this deserted stretch of the tea plantation and do unspeakable things onto her:

An early morning body-to-body massage, the perfect way to start the day:

Sindy and her attention-grabbing mini tent:

But the highlight of the trip is not the countless sisterhood bonding sessions that we had behind the closed door of the hotel room, or the heavenly-tasting salted chicken and curry chicken bun in Ipoh, or the frustrating traffic deadlock while exiting the Boh visitor’s center, but the highlight came in the form of a boyish Chinese guy with charms as far-reaching as the highest peak in the highland resort. The effect was instant, the four sisters unanimously succumbed to his magical charisma of which he seemed to so effortlessly exude in between spinning the cotton candies and interacting with customers who have lined up to adore him. His pull was indeed one of Cameronian proportions:

And we even came up with our own riddle along the way too:

Question: Tricia and Nicole started the journey back from Cameron Highlands to KL with some fresh strawberries in the car, but upon reaching the city, they discovered that the fresh strawberries have turned into strawberry jam instead. Why le?

Answer: They were jamming in the car.

Friday, November 30, 2007


A guy stopped me as I was sashaying my way down the stairs after Bodyjam.

“Hey, do you remember me?” He asked.

I turned around and sensed some familiarity in his smile, but said, “Erm.. not really. You are?”

“Oh, we met in Mandi-Manda some time back.” He said softly.

“Oh okies. I haven’t been in awhile.” I adjusted my backpack strap and started my descent down the stairs slowly again.

“It’s OK, maybe I’ll see you there again sometimes?” He pushed further.

“Nah, I’ve retired from the scene.” Turned around before waiting for the sentence to finish and left.


I have lived the past few years wondering if I’ll ever find the courage to remove myself from this diseased obsession. As I pushed open the glass door, I turned back and gave this guy, the remnants of my past, a wide, cheeky smile before the warm evening sunlight hit my face that was right now bathed in a seemingly surreal sense of total emancipation.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

One Sunday Evening

I stood by the window in my bedroom, admiring the city skyline which was right now shimmering in the golden sunlight of a weekend evening. There was a gentle breeze flowing through the wide open windows. I closed my eyes and focused on the peals of laughter from the children playing by the pool downstairs, and picked up the distant hum of the passing train along the way. From the kitchen came a cacophony of clanking utensils as Mum busied herself with preparing dinner.

There was something surreal about this whole experience – it’s Sunday evening and I’m at home.

It feels not too long ago when I first roamed the realms of those sweat-choked, cum-choked dark room territories. The countless hours of mindless, fruitless hunting games, I knew that wasn’t what I wanted right from the start, yet it was strangely addictive. I was helplessly pulled in to the whirlpool of lust, lured week after week with the promise of love, and let down again and again by the games of deception and lies.

If I have the energy to go on, why not the courage to put this to an end?

And it seems now, five years since I embarked on the journey in search of love in all the wrong places, it will now end exactly where it has begun. On ground zero, I have a collection of experiences and encounters that, even though were heart-felt and vivid as they unfolded, have failed to stand the test of time, and I have emerged with wounds that perhaps may never heal. But on ground zero, I have now gathered enough reasons to set off on a separate path, away from the dizzying darkened corridors and the depressing weekly routine of hopes and disappointments. This path smells of the sweetened promise of a stable relationship and the reassuring reward of security and stability.

A much anticipated end to an overdue chapter of my life. I smiled as I helped Mum with the dishes and set the table for dinner, my first dinner on Sunday at home since as long as I can remember.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Saturday, November 03, 2007

The Fantastic Three

If you are tired of all the mindless and fruitless hunting games in saunas, or of the frusfratingly disappointing latest IRC/ meetup who did not seem the least like the guy in his profile photo, or the piercing pain of rejection from a tired boyfriend, it's comforting to know that you can now take matters into your own hand, literally.

First, revisit the climatic pleasures afforded by the tight sensation of a male butt, now made from supersoft skinlike material for the most realistic touch. Behold the Butt banger:

Or if taking the pleasures of the world from your back is more of your line of business, then perhaps the 10" Ty Fox realistic cock would do you wonders:

Still, if you suddenly have a craving for the gentle suction of a hungry mouth ready to take every inch that you can cook up during the long drive home, the remote-controlled vacuum function Auto suck comes complete with a car-lighter plug and is ready at your service 24/7.

Time to give the sauna owners a run for their money?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Increasingly Complicated Sisterhood

Click on image for larger view

Business is definitely getting bigger.

Saturday, October 20, 2007












Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Alone, All Over Again

Here we go again, I told myself as I dragged my luggage out of Schipol Airport. Another brand new city to explore on my own, yet the experience of braving a new piece of unfamiliar territory seems eerily reminiscent of a not-so-distant past.

God knows who I'll meet this time, but at least there won't be any hurricanes for sure.

Monday, October 01, 2007

The Rather Complicated Sisterhood

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Extended sisterhoods have been omitted to reduce complications.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

A Melbourne Day

A Melbourne day, fulfilling in its own way, you talked about work, your past boyfriends, your boss, yourself, I had Milo Kosong Ais, two glasses I think, couldn’t help but tell you you look adorable. You stood by the bus stop at the monorail station, waiting for me with your huge luggage, the one that you said you’ll use to pack me to Melbourne with you. You asked what you can cook for me, and set off to prepare the dishes enthusiastically, on that mindless cooking game on your Nintendo DS. I asked for your Fridae profile, not many photos in there, you acted awkward, yes I can tell your profile says you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s fine coz I guess that doesn’t apply when you’re in saunas. It’s fine too, when I found out that you’ve gone to the saunas again before meeting up with me for dinner, you were 3 hours late, not a problem, I wasn’t hungry anyway, I don’t know why. That night we sat for a very long time in the car, you asked why I have stopped writing to you when we met three years back, I said it’s you who disappeared, and then you gave me a goodnight kiss. Along the busy ring road just outside the ERL transit of KL Sentral, you dragged your huge luggage out of the back seat, we hugged, hugged for the entire stretch of bumper-to-bumper traffic to see, seemed like a long one, most probably the last one I’ll ever get from you. You said I’ll come visit you in Hong Kong when you’re back there, share the room in your 600sq-ft apartment, you’ll bring me places. You stood there while I drove off, all the while looking my way, you promised you’ll call, your temporary Digi prepaid line won’t work there anymore, but you’ll call. But then you did not call, no call no sms no message in fridae. I checked my phone, my fridae account, my email, your blog, checked again and again. Maybe you were jetlagged (let’s pretend there is a time difference), maybe you couldn’t get online (but Fridae showed that you just logged on this morning). I’m puzzled, I just need one single message from you to thank me for our time together, you don’t have to say you miss me, certainly not love me, and it’s ok if we don’t meet again. Just a short thank you message to bring closure to this short-lived moment of happiness, but you have to deny me of this last piece of the puzzle, the crowning glory that will seal the few days we were together into eternal bliss.

I drove by the bus stop where I had fetched you this afternoon again, there was a painful void that just won’t not shut up. It screamed so loud it hurt. And then I dreamt of you again, we holding hands on a peaceful Melbourne day, and that was the last I will ever see of you.


Sunday, September 02, 2007

Confessions In The Dark Room

In the busy darkened corridor he pinned me against the wall, wrapped his arms around my waist in one graceful sweep and started running his tongue down my neck. In his fervor, his stubbles chafed the sides of my chin, leaving a trail of burning yet strangely gratifying pain.

“Shall we go to the room?” He broke the silence.

“I just want to hug like this, can I?” I tightened my grip around his body, closed my eyes and buried my face deep in his shoulders. The warmth of his body was arresting.

“You come all the way here just for hugs?” He protested.

“Yes I do.”


For many years, I wandered this forbidden territory in search of answers. Perhaps I will never be cured, of this permanent dysfunctional void in my heart, of the constantly painful craving for attention and affection and of all the different inane ways I go about to pursue them. I’m helpless against a torrent of emotional confusion, I can’t figure out what I want; and even more pathetic against the cruel reality of gay life, I will never get what I want.

Please let me know how to move on.


“Thanks for the hugs, you can go now.” I adjusted my towel and left for a cold shower.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Otot-Otot: A Map of Indulgence (Updated)

(Click on images for larger views)
An uncle started stripping next to me in the lockers as I was getting ready to change and leave. As I put on my shoes he seemed still stuck at the first stage of undress – removing his shirt.

“Haiya! Tell you don’t wear so tight already, don’t want to listen!”

His aggravated sauna kaki pushed his struggling clumpy hands away from his skin-tight shirt, and started painstakingly shifting the velvety material inch by inch up the multiple-folds of his colossal belly.

“Know how to put on, but don’t know how to remove meh!” The grumbling continued as I left.

Chubs and chubs-chasers of the world unite!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007







Sunday, July 29, 2007

Mandi Mandi: A Map of Indulgence (Updated)

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Yay! The gym is finally opened. *yawn*

Monday, June 18, 2007

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Crying Games

One stuffy afternoon, many years back, I had company in my room. He’s someone I met from IRC, the in-thing back then, before MSN messenger, and Fridae, together with its wannabe sister Axcest, infiltrated the local online cruising scene.

I could not recall much detail of the fun we had, that was because it got memorable only after the climax was out of the way. I remember we were in an embrace, he on me, and I was just waiting for him to finish the session perhaps with a comment about the hot weather and the need for a quick shower, or the amount of work waiting for him back in the office. But he held on and stayed very still. And then something very strange happened.

He started to cry.

It was a muted sob at first, coupled with intermittent sniffing, which I brushed off as the symptoms of a momentary lapse of the body’s defense system after a (good) climax. But the sobs quickly accelerated in pace and intensity, becoming more and more definite with each turn. And soon the writhing began, limbs started to shiver and then got contorted in an awkward way, as though trying hard to fight the onslaught of pain. Finally the reservoir of grief could hold no longer, and it quickly degenerated into an ensemble of acute display of defeat.

Utter defeat.

Over my body ran streams of tears that picked up my sweat along its path, before rolling off and landing on the bed. The mid afternoon sunlight filtered through the fading curtains and threw a cloak of intricate pattern of twigs and flowers on our entangled limbs, and then this peculiar matrimony of bodily deposits was complete.

I started to feel his pain, the indescribable urge to tear your aching heart out of your ribcage. Yet I have no idea what or who caused this. Perhaps I could, if he has allowed me a few years of exploring the scene, if only I know of the sheer brutality that this queer world is so capable of. But at that time, I did not move a muscle, or say a word. It didn’t seem necessary at all.

Before long, there was silence.

The stream of tears finally run dry, his eyes incapable of any further onslaughts of sorrow. Slowly, he lifted himself from me; his face was a wet clutter of twisted expressions. I looked at him and lifted my hand to trace it across his cheeks, wiping away the concoction of tears and sweat along the way. He looked back at me and broke into a weak smile.

So from the depths of the fathomless pool that had consumed him earlier, he rose again, freed and liberated, for now, from the dark water of yesterday. The sorrow had subsided, banished once again into the darkest recess of his subconscious mind. He turned and looked towards the bedroom window, and took a deep breath.

“Hey, didn’t notice the pretty curtains earlier.”


We didn’t meet again after that afternoon, but the image of his weak smile after the broke-down solidified in my memory as a single moment of renewed hope and new-found peace.

Life just goes on, doesn’t matter how painful it gets.

Sunday, June 10, 2007


What does five hours of hugging in the sweat-choked air of One Seven really mean?
What does saying “I’d be happy to have a boyfriend like you.” really mean?
What does sending late night ‘missing you’ SMS’s really mean?
What do 'dearie' and 'cutie' really mean?
What do virtual hugs and kisses really mean?
What does waking up at 5am and taking a 5-hour bus journey to KL really mean?
What does holding hands in the car braving a late Friday evening bumper traffic really mean?
What does taking a stroll across the KLCC park on a drizzling Saturday afternoon really mean?
What does making weird noises on my stomach while saying 'hujan' really mean?
What does falling asleep together and waking up the next morning in each other’s arms really mean?
What do all the discussions about moving to a neutral city and staying together really mean?
What does “We’ll make this work.” really mean?
What does “I love you.” really mean?
What does 'critisize' really mean?
What does "You're stressing me out" really mean?
What does cool-off period really mean?
What do you really mean?
What do I really mean?
What does anything at all really mean?


Monday, April 30, 2007

A Songkran Miracle

Perhaps it’s never meant to last. I raised my legs onto the bench, wrapped my warms around them, and let my body loose its balance so that I would tip towards you. We looked each other in the eyes. Another train arrived at the Siam Skytrain station. Did we see the farewell episode playing already?

You still have powder on your face. Why the longing glance. I pulled my shirt towards you and wiped them off, slowly tracing the perfect contours of your smile. If I could also wipe away the memories of this Songkran miracle, maybe we could then happily go on our separates lives, you a figure in a 9-million strong population, and me an unsuspecting tourist on a festive sightseeing.

We shall never have tried the bitter-sweet taste of a tight embrace in an even more tightly packed G-Star, or the wicked sensation of ice-cold water down the spine, or locking hands in the cinema, or running across the water fountain in front of Paragon.

But your first smile in 39 Underground, I will bring with me to the grave.

It’s never meant to be, why did we hang on. Staring out a quiet KL skyline towards your city, and then at the AirAsia website, I realized the missed calls won’t do, doesn’t matter how many times we exchange them everyday.

It’s never meant to be, why did we hang on.


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Mandi Manda: A Map of Indulgence

(click on images for larger views)
In celebration of more than a year of undivided support from the sauna-going population of KL, Mandi Manda has embarked on a new wave of improvement that sees the opening of an entirely new maze area in Mandi Manda, complete with more rooms and the introduction of a themed dark room dedicated to S&M worshippers. Fans can also look forward to a gym and web surfing section that are planned for the old maze area. Not quite close to Thailand and Singapore yet but we're getting there.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Heartbreak Needles

“We prefer that you close your eyes to avoid any accidents.”

The doctor’s voice was as calm as the sea, but the evil apparatus in his right hand signaled a fast approaching storm. I held tight to both sides of bed and for a brief moment, forgot again why I was subjecting myself to such a trauma.

The tri-beveled hypodermic needle soon punctured a hole on my skin’s surface. Its sharp edges tasted blood and quickly set off to work, maneuvering in a repetitive back and forth movement to cut away fibrous tissues as far as its blades could reach. The pain got worse with every twitch; I felt tears collecting in my tightly shut eyes, and so opened them slightly to release some pressure just in time to catch sight of blood-stained cotton buds being removed from my face.

And then I remembered why I need to do this.

Subcision is painful, but as half as bad as heartbreaks.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Rainy Sunday Morning

I was awaken by the gentle tapping of raindrops on the window. Turned and found the twin towers gone. The weather had finally taken a pleasant change. Pulled the comforter up all the way to my nose and realized that I hadn’t had the aircond switched on. The dirty laundry from last night was still lying on the floor.

Said my goodbyes to hot, stuffy nights.

Said my goodbyes to a 7-year-old relationship.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Caught with Pants Down!

KUALA LUMPUR: It was an afternoon of chaos and pandemonium at Fitness First Manulife. At 3:45pm, the manager received an urgent call from the front desk staff relating a horrifying event that had taken place at the men changing room.

“I was utterly speechless! How could anyone do such a revolting act to the poor mannequin?” A member who declined to be named was heard commenting immediately after the faithful event.

“I hope they put the person who’s responsible for such grievances and shame to justice!” Another lady gymmer who had managed to catch a glimpse of the gruesome sight said in between tears.

Rumours had it that the management had initially taken active steps to stop the spread of this news by issuing a 3-year free membership to all gymmers who were (un)fortunate enough to witness the event. However, all staff had declined to comment further.

In an unexpected press release issued later on the same day, the management then expressed shock and regret of the event, and has pledged commitment to taking active measures in creating a more conducive environment to allow more uninhibited expression of physical attraction between human male gymmers, which they believe will put a stop to these unspeakable acts.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I Cannot

I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.
I cannot miss someone who doesn’t miss me.

But I will.


Friday, February 23, 2007

A Dimple Festival

The neighbourhood hummed a subtle tune of peace and desolateness that seemed to spiral deeper into the wee hours of the morning this first night of the year of the boar. I emerged from the compound of my apartment and caught you standing across the street from the guard house.

It seemed like ages ago since I last did this, but it certainly didn’t feel out of place. We would stick to the universally accepted agenda of going for a drink, evaluating the chemistry, have sex or say goodbye.

Sometimes, it doesn’t work.


I landed on the fabulously cozy bed and let out a helpless gasp as I lost all mental facilities to fight the urge of joining the throng of other IKEA shoppers in various embarrassing acts like taking photos while lying down in the bathtub or in front of their dream kitchen, or having a make-believe reunion dinner around the dining table, or struggling intensely to figure out how the LACK storage sticks to the wall with no visible support. You came to my rescue, failed miserably and landed right next to me. We stayed in this position for time immemorial, digging ourselves further into the comforter, legs dangling freely off the edge of the bed. Our eyes met.

“Let’s do it here!”

“ … ”


You were frantically toying with my hand, scratching and slapping and pinching it, as though it was the puppet we saw at the children section just now. I moved our trolley further into the giant cargo lift to disappear behind the equally gigantic ang moh in front of me, and hopefully away from the glances of other shoppers. Felt like ramming the Gorm storage long post into you, and then you flashed me that cheeky dimpled smile which melted the post and brought me down with it.


“Can I hug you?”

You turned over and were already resting half your weight on me before I could say yes. The timber strip flooring beneath us felt dusty from the renovation works that were still in progress, but nothing could really hold our passion back. As I felt your lips roam my neck, I looked out the floor-to-ceiling window and caught the KL skyline, and was confused if my short of breath was because of you or the breathtaking view outside. At this instant, the world was divided between a stuffy empty bedroom with two naked guys making love on the floor, and a peaceful 4am morning this second night of Chinese New Year.

I'll need to get the blinds installed soon, and the bed fixed as well of course.


The neighbourhood hummed a subtle tune of peace and desolateness that seemed to spiral deeper into the wee hours of the morning this third night of the year of the boar. You jumped out of your car and came around to open the door for me. It still couldn’t be opened from within. There was a certain unmistakable sorrow in the air as you walked me to the guardhouse, we didn’t make the effort to put them into words.

I stood there at the pavement, long after you left, your dimpled smile stuck in my mind like a ravenous leech on a juicy limb, and then I wondered if the whole episode ever happened.


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

How To Jump Queue At The Cinema Ticketing Lines Without Being Cursed At

Just proceed to the (normally) underutilized ticket reservation counter, of course! Didn’t book a ticket? Just pretend you did la! Here’s how it work:

You: Hi! I’ve got a booking for ABC movie. My booking number is ...

(Now, cook up an imaginary 6-digit booking number in your mind, and say it out loud slowly, number by number. For added convincing power, you may consider shutting your eyes intermittently as though concentrating hard to fish the number out from the deepest fold of your cerebral cortex. Alternatively, you may save this number onto your mobile phone before hand and flash it to the staff instead.)

Staff: (Keys in your booking number into the ticketing system that should promptly return no results, as expected) Cannot find la!

(If the imaginary booking number miraculously returns a valid booking, forget your movie and run to the nearest TOTO outlet to buy a lottery ticket. You’re next-in-line for the multi-million ringgit jackpot.)

You: Cannot be! I just booked yesterday only. Can you check again? This is like the fifth time already that you couldn’t find my booking!

(For extra dramatic effects, the above line should be delivered while going through a colourful emotional journey that starts with shock, then painful recollection, and finally anger. Gifted drama queens will find this as natural as ordering a Starbucks frappo.)

Staff: What to do. I think the system was down yesterday. That’s why.

(The staff shall remain unapologetic, as expected. However, you should show no signs of giving up. Insist that your booking number be checked and rechecked to confirm.)

You: Can you check again ah please? I purrrrrposely wrote down this number yesterday in case I forget you know. How can cannot find? Check again laaaaaaaa.

(After the third try, he/she would have given up and switch over to the regular instant ticket purchasing screen instead. You will now be entitled to select any of the seats available to the long lines of customers with no bookings. Minus all the waiting, of course.)

(Now go practise.)