Sunday, September 02, 2007

Confessions In The Dark Room

In the busy darkened corridor he pinned me against the wall, wrapped his arms around my waist in one graceful sweep and started running his tongue down my neck. In his fervor, his stubbles chafed the sides of my chin, leaving a trail of burning yet strangely gratifying pain.

“Shall we go to the room?” He broke the silence.

“I just want to hug like this, can I?” I tightened my grip around his body, closed my eyes and buried my face deep in his shoulders. The warmth of his body was arresting.

“You come all the way here just for hugs?” He protested.

“Yes I do.”

•••

For many years, I wandered this forbidden territory in search of answers. Perhaps I will never be cured, of this permanent dysfunctional void in my heart, of the constantly painful craving for attention and affection and of all the different inane ways I go about to pursue them. I’m helpless against a torrent of emotional confusion, I can’t figure out what I want; and even more pathetic against the cruel reality of gay life, I will never get what I want.

Please let me know how to move on.

•••


“Thanks for the hugs, you can go now.” I adjusted my towel and left for a cold shower.



17 comments:

icow said...

you have no idea how much I enjoy reading your entries.

:)

Anonymous said...

Wondering the Suana and massage places was something I use to do alot off. Weaving in and out of dark passageways, steamy suana's and darkroom. This may sound crazy but i was hopping to find love at these places. I've lived a live where sex equals love and not the other way round. The more sex I had, the more love i thought i felt. People wanted me. People had desired me. It gave me a sense of control. A sense of power. But once i steped out of these places, I was just alone and at times after leaving such places, I would just head to lost world. Am I a sexual pradator? A sex addict? Or am I just an empty vessel looking for someone to fill it up with things we desire in life.

bravingkl said...

thanks anonymous, you couldn't have put it more aptly.

kevxx said...

Very few people go to the saunas just for hugs .. but i enjoy that too.. "are you top or bottom?".. something you hear very often, i always hope to answer "i just wanna hug" but the fear of this person just walking away with the answer often makes me answer otherwise.. being able to have a monet with a nice warm person to hug is really a wonderful moment..

Anonymous said...

him : r u top or bottom ?

me : neither. i like to hug and kiss

him : ok

It's not hard really.

You'll be surprised how many gay guys feel the same way you do.

deeperanddeeper said...

When it comes to matters of love, even if we figure out what we truly want, the brutal truth is that, some of us will never get it...

David said...

I met two of my ex-lovers in such places, both in Leo in Penang... there's where i found my now ex-lovers, though the cruel fact is that such relationships, no matter where you get it, don't last long. I have friends whose relationships last as long as 2 to 5 years. They are lucky to have such long relationships. Mine just broke off 3 months ago. I'm still rather sad.

Magus_Young said...

my 2 cents opinion, it is the unlikeliest of places to find lurv coz every one is on sex hunting mode. Yet we shud never rule out that fact, I found my love there despite thinking tat I'll nvr find it there. Lasted for a year plus and we're still friends.

Still, sauna will always be saunas.

Koon said...

you know, after awhile, you'd realise that being able to prioritise sex over affection is a blessing.

i can understand how you feel and i wish i'd have the same courage to say 'that's enough' to someone wanting more.

i think many of us have been too willing to proceed into a sexual relationship when all we ever wanted was just an assurance, a tinge of affection.

even as i'm attached, i do feel the need to feel a sense of affection from others - a sense that somehow builds upon my self-worth, a distorted sense of confidence.

i wish we could find our way through an easier channel. maybe all we need is to love ourselves a bit more. or maybe we'd have to fuck every single person in the dark room to feel loved. either way, we're just looking for a selfish sense of contentment.

Anonymous said...

COCK TEASER!! Yea right no doubt about it. Cock teasers...

savante said...

Awww... you want hugs, just come over here lah.

Anonymous said...

To think I used to have sex with guys so that they'll hold me in their arms for a while.*cackle*

To repeat a very successful sauna pick up line from my time, "looking for love in all the wrong places?".


can

Anonymous said...

if it is of any comfort, you are not alone in this bravingkl. many many of us are in the same shoes. many don't talk about it. some take a pragmatic and perhaps cynical view - fuck, get it off and on with life. sensitive souls, like you, find it difficult to be so cavalier and callous. i am beginning to see my urges/horniness as just part of nature. no right or wrong here. it just is. therefore, i learn not to pay too mucn attention to the urges. i won't let it define me or who i am. easier said than done, of course. sex, love and self image. three messy friends and often they don't get along well at all. most have sex but cannot find love. most have sex to feel nice about oneself but such feeling does not last and our body ages...some have love but have lousy sex. so he is then tempted to stray towards illicit thrills and often drama, tears, heart aches ensue....is there hope in all these mess?

jove said...

Barefoot on the rubber floor is really torturing. Walking around naked in my favorite skin night is unbearable. Mr. AirCon, please spare me. But out of sudden, the walking flesh and blood stand in front of you, offers you the longing hug you ever wish. "Hmm, you smell good."

Anonymous said...

If I could,I would want to walk up to you and give you a big bear hug and assure you that everything would be alright.But we all know,deep down inside,the harsh realities of a gay life is never a straight path.It is never lined with roses and the journey is often filled with bumps,road blocks and even dead ends.

This post reminded me why I faithfully read your blog even after so many years.Every single word is meticulously written.And every sentence speaks of a myraid of emotions;hope,innocence,honesty,love,patience,desperation and even despair that sometimes I can even hear the silent cries and pleading of your heart,as though you were there pouring out your heart and soul to me.

I pray that every void and space in your heart will be filled with love,all your whys and hows will be answered,your cravings and appetite for genuine and unconditional love will be met and fully satisfied and one day;you will find all the answers that were looking for...

livelife

Titillate said...

A counsellor once told me that a lot of people failed to quit smoking by simply abstaining from it.

"Abstinence isn't gonna work in a long time," he said.

"You need to replace it with other activities, and form new habits."

Whenever you want to hit the sauna, go meet a friend for a meal instead, or go for a jog or hit the gym, or go watch a movie...do more of something else and less of the other. Focus that 'desire' on something else (usually something better) to break its foothold.

I think it makes a lot of sense.

BTW, nice blog.

Leon Koh said...

I love hugs and kisses too... and cuddle to sleep being the nicest thing to do :)