Hey Dad, Why Are You Not Dead Yet?

Hey Dad, you ought to die, because the only time you’re back was when you’re broke, and needed money from Mum for all your fucking indulgences, and I only had one karipap for lunch at school for six straight years.

Hey Dad, you ought to die, because I will always remember the embarrassing moment of Mum, pleading to the school teacher, in front of the whole of primary 4T, to allow us an additional 2 weeks to pay up the RM100 tuition fee, which we had promised 2 weeks back. I did not eat for two weeks, and had to be sent to the hospital after fainting on the basketball court during assembly.

Hey Dad, you ought to die, because you told Mum all your fucking stories, and turned her into a insecure lady who spends countless hours staring into blank air, and freaks out every time she detects the slightest association with me and Malay ladies.

Hey Dad, you ought to die, because no thanks to you, Mum had to work two shifts a day at the office, and came home to do sewing jobs for a neighbourhood tailor till the wee hours of the morning, and my only recollection of childhood is playing paper boats alone at the drain behind our makeshift hut in Chow Kit.

Hey Dad, you ought to die, because after disappearing for eight years, you came home one day just to get a photocopy of my SPM results and my IC. I saw my name on the scholarship recipient list in the newspaper one month later, but I never saw the money. How many girls did you fuck with RM20,000?

But Dad, if God were to ask me, I’ll let you live, because if not for you, I would not have turned gay, and I surely would not have come to know this great bunch of gay friends, of which we have built fulfilling relationships that I will bring to my grave with.

Danny, if you are reading this, this is for you. I know life was not as smooth sailing for you, it was never, for a great number of us too. But one day, when you realise you’re ready to forget the past, and forgive whoever has wronged you, you know for sure , that after all these years, you are finally freed.